Disclaimer: I do not own the characters of "BtVS" and "Angel", nor do I own any rights to the television shows "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" and "Angel". They were created by Joss Whedon and belong to him, Mutant Enemy, Sandollar Television, Kuzui Enterprises, 20th Century Fox Television and the WB Television Network,... I own nothing! (Hey,do you think I could be so mean to them?!) So nobody sue!
Couple: "Buffy"/"Riley" ... (B/A)
Spoilers: Everything and nothing - makes sense?
Rating: R - bad words
Thanks to: Michelle and all of my friends who keep on fighting
Feedback: Yes please, but be nice!
Author's Note: You might recognize some things (movies, series, ...). This fic is a little different ... again.
This is far from reality, this is far from fiction.
This is my life, so stop me from living, so stop me from feeling pain.
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Give, oh give me back my heart!
Or since that has left my breast, Keep it now and take the rest!
"Maid of Athens, Ere We part" Lord Byron
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Buffy woke up slowly, bathed in the feeling of being loved and desired. She felt warm and tingly all over and encircled in an aura of joy.This felt so good, she wanted it to last forever.
Her hand reached out to the warm body lying next to her. This time she wasnīt alone in bed.
She opened her eyes slowly to look into the shadow filled room and next to her, where her lover lay, spread in all his glory and dressed in nothing but his bare skin. She heard the raindrops against the undisguised windows and felt safe this time.She cuddled herself back into his arms and drifted back to a light and dreamless sleep, until the rising sun tickled the tip of her nose. She inhaled deeply, sighed, opened her eyes and sat herself up.
There he was. This time it was right. No pain, no hurt and no feeling of loneliness, because he was still there.
She looked around in the room and found it to be nicely arranged with the bright colours and ...
Suddenly she heard him mumble something. It was nearly inaudible, but she could hear it nevertheless."... play my game ..."
'He must be dreaming. He speaks in his dreams, how sweet. No sleep of the death, he sleeps the sleep of the living.'His sleeping form shifted and his arms reached out for her.
'Sorry, but I need to go to the bathroom', she thought and got up,slowly, so as not to disturb his dreams.
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She stood in front of a large mirror in the bathroom and looked at herself.She had changed from pure nudity into a dressing gown, she had found next to the shower. She brushed her hair out of her face and stared into her own eyes in the mirror. She felt a slight pain on the right side of her throat and realized that his marks had dissapeared and her skin felt soft and she felt free, freed from everything that had made her addicted over the years.
She sighed in contentment and turned around to go back to bed when she suddenly felt arms encircle her waist. She arched back slightly, but gave in after looking into the mirror to find him there, his reflection so real, the same reality that his arms around her relaxed again body.
"Something wrong?" He asked.
"No, nothing. Everything is perfect, the way it should be." She smiled and turned around to face him. He looked down at their feet.
"Letīs go back to bed, we have a few more hours until the next class."
His words washed over her like the foreshadow of joy.
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After a few more hours of sleep they got up and got ready for some hours of gaining wisdom for the rest of their lives.
Buffy sat in her class and felt like she was flying. She looked outside through the big windows and saw children play on the green grass that surrounded the campus.
Suddenly her attention got drawn to a little form, wearing a red coat.
She couldnīt see the face of the child, but believed it to be a little girl, running around her expression lost. The girl had the hood drawn into her face and was hiding in the bushes now.
Buffy spotted a man running towards the child and believed that he must have been the father.
She smiled slightly at the thought of parents playing with their children and turned her attention back to her teacher.
At the end of the class she looked out again and her gaze fell onto the supposed father of the little girl. He sat on a bench with his back facing Buffy.
She got up to pack her things and stopped thinking about everything, because he entered the room and smiled up to her.
She waved her hand, smiled and walked toward him, down the steps.
"So, how was class?" He asked.
"It was o.k., but most of the time I dreamt a little daydream of us." She answered, her eyes slightly closed and her face expressing her words.
"Thatīs nice, but donīt forget - we can have this forever, but learning is only now."
She felt guilty about her failing, but at his friendly and warm touch, she relaxed in that second.
"Letīs go for a drink." He suggested.
They had chocolate milk in that little cafe near the campus, a personal tip, only he could find such great places to go to, she thought.They laughed when they ordered a sundae dish for two and indulged themselves in the feeling of being in love.
"Iīll walk you home, if you like. ... I want to, but if you donīt, no problem." He said to her, when they stepped out of the cafe.
"Youīre so sweet, yes please!" She smiled and looked at him in awe.
They slowly walked down the street, hand in hand, and everybody they met smiled at the sight of them, of two people so in love.
They crossed the campus and suddenly Buffyīs gaze fell on the man, still sitting on the bench. She looked around, but couldnīt find the little girl.She wanted to walk over to him, but the man at her side held her back.
"Hey, where do you want to go? Do you want to leave me alone? Standing here in the middle of scary nowhere?" He laughed and drew her attention back to him. They continued their walk to the dorms, but Buffyīs mind stayed on the motionless form of the man. She looked back at him and thought she had seen blood running down his right ear, but forgot about it when they entered the building.
"You have to learn this evening - donīt forget about that!"
He held her hands and looked down at them. He squeezed them slightly and gave Buffy a slight kiss on her forehead."Good night. Iīll see you tomorrow?"
Buffy nodded yes and tried to look into his eyes, but she couldnīt, because he had already turned around and walked away. Suddenly she felt disturbed, but couldnīt tell where it came from.She decided that it must have been the mocha ice cream they ate in the little cafe and went upstairs into her room.
Willow lay in her bed and read. She looked up, said hello and turned her attention back to her work.Buffy sat on her bed and sighed.
Willow heard it and sat herself up. "Whatīs wrong?" She looked at Buffy. "You look confused. ... Whatīs wrong? How was last night? You didnīt return from classes last night. ... You were at Rileyīs? ... Come on, Buffy! Donīt let me fish around in the cloudy waters of your mind. Just tell me!" The questions came fast and fuzzy, typical Willow, Buffy thought.
"Willow, Iīm suddenly very tired ... Iīll tell you tomorrow, o.k.? I have classes in the afternoon, so you donīt have to wake me."Willow felt neglected and turned her attention back to her books.
"But Buffy, what about slaying?" Willow looked up again and found Buffy laying on her bed, fully clothed, and sleeping.
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Buffy got up at half past 12 the next day and realized that she had slept in her clothes. She decided to take a shower when suddenly the phone started to ring.
"Hi Buffy!"
"Hi Riley." Buffy smiled at the sound of his voice.
"How are you? Did I wake you?"
"No,no, I've been awake since 10. I had some learning to do."
"Oh Buffy, we both know that this is not the truth. Donīt lie to me, Buffy, Iīll find it out!" He laughed silently.Buffy suddenly felt nausea rising through her whole body.
"Youīre right, I wonīt do it again, Riley. I donīt know why I lied to you anyway. Iīm sorry for that." She suddenly felt the nausea disappearing as fast as it came.
"Thatīs my baby! ... Iīll come over tonight. I hope thatīs o.k.?" He asked.
"Sure."
"And donīt forget to go to your classes! Now hurry!" With this he hung up and Buffy listened to the dial tone.She was drawn to the dial tone on the line and forgot about the time and everything around her.
The sound of somebody knocking on the door tore her out of her reverie.She swallowed hard and looked around her. She had totally lost the connection to reality after her phonecall with Riley.Again the knocking on the door. She looked at her hand, still holding the receiver, in confusion.
Knock, knock.
She felt like she was dreaming.
Knock, knock.
"Buffy, are you in there?" Came from outside.
She put the receiver back on and got up, still feeling like she was in a dream. She moved like she was in slow motion.
Knock, knock.
Buffy opened the door to find Riley.
"Buffy, why are you not in class? I met Willow and asked her about you and she told me that you were still in your room."He forced her back into the room with his body.
"I can come in, canīt I."
Buffy turned around and walked over to her bed.
"Come on, Buffy - get dressed! You only have a few more minutes left until your classes start!"
Buffy felt waves of nausea washing over her and her knees gave away.
Riley kept her from falling and sat her back on her bed."What was that? Better keep care of yourself, Buffy. ... Well, Iīve got to go now. Donīt forget about classes!" Riley went towards the door and turned around again. "Ah, love you." He closed the door behind him and as soon as this happened, Buffy started to sob. She felt bad about her behaviour and started immediately to get her things together to get ready to leave. As soon as she entered her classes, the nausea stopped.
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Riley waited for her outside the building.
"Hey, itīs Friday evening. Why donīt we go out and have a little fun? You can learn tomorrow afternoon. Iīll help you. So what do you think?"
Buffy nodded yes and Riley took her books. "Let me help you with your heavy books, my little girl." He smiled.
"Riley, what have you planned for us?" She tried to look him in his eyes, but he turned his attention to little stones, laying on the floor, and started to kick them. "Letīs go to that little cafe and after that we can go to my room, if you'd like to."
A black cat crossed their way. Buffy blinked at the sight when suddenly another cat crossed their way.
"Did you see that?"
"What, Buffy?" Riley asked without turning around.
"The cat, I ... I mean the two cats, crossing our way. Isnīt it strange that two ... I mean, they looked exactly the same." Suddenly her heart started to beat irregularly and her hands started to sweat. She felt totally nervous and out of line.
"Iīm sorry, but I havenīt seen any cat. When Iīm with you, all I can see is you."
Buffy looked up to him, but he held his pace so that she couldnīt look into his face without struggling, because of his fast moving."Why are we in a hurry, Riley? Why do you walk so fast?"
Riley took her hand and stopped suddenly. "Iīm not moving fast, Buffy. You must be tired, or maybe you caught a cold? Your hand is ice cold and sweaty. Iīll bring you back to your dorm. If you feel better, you can give me a call and Iīll come over.
They walked to her dorm and as soon, as she entered her room, tiredness fell over her like a lurking phantom on her back.She threw her books on the ground and fell next to them on the floor unconsciousness.She felt nothing than emptiness. It felt like something was missing, it felt like something, or somebody had ripped her soul from her body. Suddenly a light appeared in the shadows and a really big man stepped out of it. She couldnīt hear him, but he must have spoken to her, because he opened and closed his mouth. Suddenly he bent himself over her and took her hand. She looked down at her own hand like she didnīt own it and saw the giant remove a silver, familiar ring from her finger. She recognized it, but couldnīt tell where it came from, or who had given it to her. It had the form of a heart with something around it. The giant let her hand free and it fell onto the ground with a thud, but Buffy felt nothing. The tall man stepped back into the light and the shadows reappeared. Then she fell unconciousness again.
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"Buffy wake up!"
"Buffy!"
Buffy felt somebody shaking her. "Buffy wake up!"
Buffy opened her eyes to find Willow and Riley standing over her.Willow shook her shoulders with power.
"Whatīs wrong?" She blinked to clear her blurry sight.
"Whatīs wrong with you, Buffy? I tried to call you, but you didnīt answer the phone. I thought that you were out with Willow, so I went looking for you this morning, but you didnīt answer the door, so I went searching for Willow."
Willow helped Buffy get up and sat her down on her bed.
"I canīt remember, Iīm sorry." Buffy wiped her eyes.
"I spent the night with practicing new .... " Willow looked over to Riley "...with practicing new spells at my wicca circle." Willow whispered into Buffyīs ear.
Riley stepped near and smiled. "Iīm sorry, if you have little secrets, I can wait outside."
"Iīll give you a call, Riley. - I promise." Buffy leaned back against the headboard of her bed.
As soon as Riley left the room she felt the nausea return.
"Willow something is wrong with me, with everything. It seems so surreal."
Willow stepped back and watched her friend from a distance, then she stepped near and looked into her eyes. "You seem a little stressed lately, donīt you. Maybe itīs because of college? Or maybe the thing with Riley is going to fast for you?"
"No, itīs not that ... I donīt know ... Willow, what time is it? I canīt remember anything since I came back yesterday afternoon."
"Itīs half past two in the afternoon, Buffy. Maybe you should go and visit Giles?"
"No, ... I will be okay. Maybe I simply caught a cold."
"Are you o.k.? Iīll be back in an hour or so. I need to get some herbs for tonight."
"Sure, Will. Iīm okay, just a little tired. Bye."
Buffy felt suddenly dirty and far away from herself. She paced through the room and decided to have a walk outside of the campus area. She crossed the quadrangle and as soon as she wanted to escape the outer walls of the area, the well known nausea reappeared as fast as it went away each time. She turned around and sat herself on a bench.
"O.k., Buffy - think! THINK!!! Whatīs going on with you?" She said to herself.'THINK!!!' A burning ache went through her whole body right into her heart and she felt like exploding. She gasped at the feeling and curled herself on the bench when suddenly a man with an oxygen cylinder appeared in front of her and looked down at her. When she looked up at him he hit her in her face and screamed "Fuck you!" at her. As soon as he had appeared, he had disappeared. Buffy swallowed hard and felt like she was losing her mind. This was far to much! She felt totally weird like she was in a nightmare, but this couldnīt be a dream, this was reality and she must be losing her mind.
Buffy got up and walked back to her dorm to find Willow there, waiting for her.
"Where have you been, Buffy? Iīve waited here for you to return for at least three hours now. Where have you been?"
"Three hours? Oh my god Willow, I must be losing my mind! I donīt know whatīs going on with me!"
"Itīs nearly dark outside. What about slaying? You didnīt slay for the last 3 nights! Whatīs going on with you? Tell me!" Willow seemed anxious.
"I ... I donīt know ... Oh Will, I donīt know! ... And why slaying?"
Suddenly the phone rang. Willow answered, but the voice on the other side wanted to speak with Buffy.
"Itīs for you, Buffy."
"I donīt want to talk! Who is it?"
"I donīt know." Willow gave the receiver to Buffy and sat herself on the bed.
"Whoīs there?" Buffy asked.
"Who do you want to be here?"
"Nobody! I donīt want to talk! - With nobody!"
"Here is nobody and I donīt want to talk with you, as well. ... Play my game!"
Buffy felt like somebody hit her.
"Whatīs wrong with you? I DONīT want to talk to you!"
"So why donīt you hang up? Tell me, tell me!"
The voice on the other side laughed a shrill laugh and suddenly ceased.
Buffy wanted to hang up, but she couldnīt. Something drew her attention to the voice and she could do nothing against it.
He spoke again. "Tell me, what is your favourite scary movie?"
Buffy gasped and turned herself around to Willow, but she had disappeared, as had the receiver in her hand.
Buffy started to scream and everything around her changed into the campus gardens where she lay on a bench.
It was night and nobody, absolutely nobody was around. She couldnīt hear a thing and it felt like time had stopped around her.She lifted her head and looked into the night sky.
She felt like something or somebody lifted her up, embraced her and carried her away, out of her life and into a sweet dream.
Cool velvet skin.Caressing hands and a soft voice.
She knew this feeling, but she couldnīt remember.She could remember nothing.
"Buffy, Buffy,...get up! You have classes this morning!"Willow shook her shoulders.
Buffy tore her eyes open and felt the sun in her eyes burning.
Somebody knocked on the door.
Willow opened it and Riley entered.
"Whatīs wrong with you, Buffy?" He seemed very upset.
"Whatīs this game about that youīre playing with me? Iīm waiting for you and you ... Whatīs wrong with you? Didnīt I pay enough attention to you, didnīt I care enough of you, or are you just one of those silly kids?" He turned around to leave, but suddenly Buffy felt the nausea return and cried "Stop, please ... please stay!"
"I think you both have to talk. Iīll come back later." Willow said and closed the door of the dorm behind her.
"So, whatīs wrong?" Riley asked.
"Iīm ... I`m so sorry, Riley! I .. I donīt know whatīs wrong with me. All I know is that I feel sick every time that I do something that you donīt want me to do."
Riley sat down on her bed and encircled her waist with his arms.
"Then why donīt you simply do what I want?" He sniggered.
Buffy nodded yes against his chest.
"Iīve got to go now. Come with me?"
Buffy got up and suddenly felt really good, for the first time in days.'All I have to do, is obey him and I feel good', she thought.'But, but I canīt let him rule over me! Iīll lose myself! Iīve already started to lose myself!'Suddenly she felt the nausea wash over her again. She walked behind him to his room when they met Willow.
"Are you going to slay tonight?" Willow asked her.
Buffy didnīt know what she was talking about and kept a firm hold of Rileyīs hand.They walked away and Willow stood there in confusion.
If Buffy had looked behind, she would have seen how Willow turned into nothing but air.
They went to Rileyīs and as soon as they arrived, Riley pointed her a chair to sit on. "Iīll be back in a minute. Donīt move, hon."
Riley started to whistle. "Always look on the bright side of life," and went to the bathroom.
Buffy waited for him to return, but because he didnīt, she went looking for him.Standing in front of the door she heard him talking with himself"Vanity is definitely my favourite sin. Itīs so basic, self love my own natural opiate." He laughed.Buffy heard him walking towards the door and ran back to her seat. Ice cold sweat ran down her back.
"So, my little baby had been naughty?"
'How can he know?' Buffy asked herself. 'This canīt be true!'
"Whatīs wrong with you? You canīt learn? You canīt learn? Iīll help you!"He screamed at her.
Suddenly Buffy got up and wanted to beat him. She didnīt know where this came from. Why she, a little girl tried to beat such a large guy. She moved against him like she had never done anything different and started to beat him with all her power.
He still laughed at her, although he lay on the floor with a broken nose and blood flowing over his face.
Suddenly Buffy felt like her heart got ripped out, she struggled and fell down on the floor. Riley jumped on her and pinned her on the floor."Everybody be cool! You, be cool !" He laughed madly at her and got up."Stay this way, baby. Stay this way and nobody will hurt you, nobody will hurt you again, ever. "He started to dance around and sang a song by Frank Sinatra.
Buffy couldnīt believe what she saw. She closed her eyes and tried to ignore her surroundings.Suddenly she fell into a trance.Her breathing got slower and she felt encircled in the feeling of being safe again, as if everything would make sense again. She couldnīt tell where it came from, but suddenly she heard a familiar voice saying her name, chanting it, begging her to return, to come back to him.
Suddenly she got ripped out of her reverie and came back. Riley kicked her in the ribs. She felt them breaking like matches. She arched back under the pain. "Hey, where are you? Stay with me?" Riley said in a soft voice and walked over to the large mirror on his wardrobe. He looked into it and laughed hysterically. Suddenly he threw his head against the mirror and laughed madly at the appearing image of a man with long gray hair in the crashed mirror.
He turned around and walked over to Buffy, who still lay on the floor."Hon, want to dance with me?" He grabbed one of her wrists and started to play with her like she was a doll.
She had no more will of her own. All that she could do was survive the attacks with his fists.Her mind shut down after a new punch into her face and she fell into unconciousness.Suddenly she heard voices around her.
"She is still fighting!"
"Buffy, please! Buffy fight ... please!" It sounded like a plea. She knew the voice, but she couldnīt remember whose voice it was."I love you so much! ... Please Buffy, please! Fight for me!"
'Angel! ... ANGEL!'
It flooded her body. His name flooded her body and she started to scream his name.
"Angel!"
It freed her from her unconciousness, and as soon as her eyes were open she started attacking Riley again.
"You are the Slayer! Fight for me, Buffy! Fight for us!" She heard Angel in the back of her head and strength flooded her body. She felt invincible and ripped the body of Riley Finn literally into pieces after she had shoved him onto a chair leg.
She started to cry and screamed out the agony and weirdness of the last days. Again the world shot down, but this time somebody tore her out of it and she came back to her mind in the arms of her Angel.
She looked into his loving eyes which were so afraid of losing her.
"Buffy? ... Buffy! Baby, are you o.k.? ... Please say something!"He carressed her cheeks with his hand and held her close to his strong chest.
"Angel? Whatīs going on? Iīm so confused."
"Everything will be fine, itīll be ... I promise."
"Never again leave me, Angel, please!" Buffy started to cry and Angel joined her. He rocked her back and forth like a little baby.
After some moments the surroundings got clearer and Buffy saw Giles and the rest of the Scooby Gang standing around her and Angel."Angel help me to get up."
Angel helped her on her feet, but they gave away and he carried her.
"Whatīs going on, Angel. Please tell me."
"Willow called me about a week ago and told me that you had disappeared and that nobody had seen you. She asked me, if you were with me. I had so much fear that something had happened to you that I came over to Sunnydale as fast as I could. We tried to find you, but it nearly seemed that youīve never existed. Everybody that weīve asked didnīt know you anymore. Then, 4 nights ago, I felt you fighting something that was stronger than you and suddenly I knew where to find you. I tried to free you alone, but I couldnīt and so I needed to get some help.
"Where are we, Angel?" Buffy asked.
"We are in the laboratories of The Initiative.They tried to brainwash you and wanted to use you for their matters after that. They wanted to make you submissive. This Riley Finn had been the worst of them. He wanted to break your will so that he could use you like he wanted to."
Buffy began to shiver at the memories.
Angel drew her near and held her as close as he could."What is the last thing that you can remember that felt real?"
"Riley and I were at this little cafe and I had orange juice. The next thing that I can remember is that I lay in bed with him, but I would have never done that!"
Giles stepped forward. "So they must have given you drugs with the juice."
Buffy scanned her surroundings. Dead bodys were lying on the floor. Next to the door the body of Riley Finn. His throat ripped out and his body smashed.
She looked back into Angelīs eyes. He kissed her forehead and they encircled their hands.
"Theyīve treated you with lots and lots of drugs and electric shocks. They had a machine with which they could project your thoughts and every time you did something that they didnīt want, they tortured you. They wrote a program to infiltrate their plan and fed it to your brain and they forced you to go for this fish boy and against everything what you really want, to gain control over you." Giles paced the room. "And Riley invaded your thoughts." Added Angel.
"Letīs get out of here!" Xander went towards the exit and all of them followed him. Angel carried Buffy and held her close.
"Angel, I couldnīt have made it without you! I had given up, but when I heard you saying that you love me, that gave me enough power to survive." Buffy whispered into Angelīs neck. "I love you."
"I love you too, Buffy! Please never leave me!"
"Hey, *you* left me!" Buffy got louder, but calmed down again."Are you going to you leave me again?"
"Never again! I promise! But please Buffy, never die!" Angelīs eyes closed and he stopped walking. Tears ran down his cheeks."I love you so much, Buffy! Weīll make it work, right?" It seemed like a pleading.
"Yes, Angel. Weīll make it work! Youīll see! ... and if you leave me again, I wonīt be so gentle! See what I can do!"
They kissed slightly and Angel caught up to the others who were already waiting for them.
"You own my soul, you own my heart and ..."
Buffy silenced him with a kiss " ... and youīre never going to leave?"
"Yes, Buffy, you own me. Let me take you to the Oracles."
This is the true story! - Joss is a liar!
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